In The Raw

So some of you may have been privy to a meltdown I had Sunday evening. I'm sorry you had to witness that...yes it's my blog...yes I can write whatever I want....but truth is, I shouldn't have stooped to anyone's level.

That's not me, but when your hurt & feeling of loss is questioned, well, for me, my automatic reaction was to lash out....

I was wrong...how could I possibly expect someone that hasn't talked to me in months except to pick up my daddys motorcycle that I gave her to be anything other than, well,nice? To say I wasn't prepared for the wild banshee phone call that ensued on Sunday would be an understatement!You can text or call someone BUT if they don't respond after time and time again,what more can you do....

YES middle Sister, I know you have tried to contact me, you tried extra hard when you wanted my exhusbands phone number...REALLY! He is my ex for a reason. Do I really need to go into the fact that he hasn't paid child support in over 10 years nor has he helped his children with anything and yes I have kept a smile on my face and tried so hard NOT to say anything bad about him...I'm NOT saying I haven't had a slip here or there BUT if you two, my dear sweet sisters, in your perfect lives could for one second understand where I am coming from...just maybe you would remember I am remarried and my ex doesn't need to be a part of our lives. And YES I DO EXPECT FAMILY TO HONOR THAT!

I find it sad that no one could respect that and someone went calling 411 to find my ex's mom & dad just to get his number...Mom & Daddy Respected my wishes when it came to stuff like this...why OH why can't you? Do we really wanna sell daddy's horse trailer that bad?

I REALLY envy those of you that have close relationships with your siblings...I don't and that's no ones fault but our own...we didn't have a 'traditional' childhood. Don't get me wrong, we were loved and brought up together. But marriage children and not living close in proximity has prevented us from having that omgwearehavingacookoutandourwholefamilywillbehereeveryotherweekend scenario.

I blogged about my dads battle with cancer...many of you read those posts & kept up with his fight for life, many of you offered love,support,calls,emails,comments. I was so Blessed that I was able to help care for my daddy during those 2years-my children were Blessed that they got that time with their papa George...my sisters had jobs and understandably couldn't help on the level/scope I could and that was fine...I don't begrudge them thats on them and their conscience...BUT do NOT insinuate anything!

I lost my mom...suddenly...and I think what hurts the most is being told that your milking it...I am pretty sure NO ONE would argue with me in the fact that mama and I were super close and I am also pretty sure there is no time limit on grief...I won't even justify a why on this....other than pure stupidity.

Then when your told your Uncle & Cousins HATE you...well that's an eye opener because again they haven't talked to you errm me....I mean really...have you called me since mom died???? So why on earth would you hate me? Why would one of my sisters say that to me about you? Ok Ok Ok I havent been to see ena as much as YOU would like...I didnt go to one family reunion...but really have YOU talked to me?

Now let me address the fact that I supposedly said my Uncle stole from my daddy...  not true...while it was very hard to watch your uncles wife going through your daddys belongings like it was Armageddon...WHILE HE IS STILL LAYING DECEASED IN HIS BED before the 'car' came to get him....and you are standing in the dining room delirious ...sure it's a lil hard to take in-in the MOMENT & AFTER the fact....my uncle took my daddys saddles and saddle stands(that I bought)  and all kinds of other stuff like air pressure tanks yada yada yada BUT I am pretty sure IF I said HEY I want my dads saddles or his horses or or or he would say ok come get them! UNLESS you are in that moment you can not imagine what it's like! Let me address this for the last time...I did not think my Uncle stole from my daddy...and I do want one of his saddles....

My dear sweet cousins...I love you both...I am sorry you thought I didn't wanna be a part of the family...not true...I was just having an emotional moment and just when I thought I was coming out of the deep dark waters from daddys passing....my mom died....I want to again say for the last time I was so super close to my mom...I am LOST without her...she was my Best Friend...She was my mom...so please forgive me if I am having issues with walking into a nursing home where our grandmother will ultimately die...I am sorry I let you both down...

Lastly my sweet younger sister..and my sweet middle sister...I LOVE you both...I am so sorry you dont get me or understand me and the things I do....just know I love you...i so love you

My Confession for today: I don't expect you to understand...I just hope you won't judge...

addendum addendum...omgawd....I stand corrected I just talked to my Uncle Tommy and while he is not STEALING...he is ummm trying to profit from my daddys stuffs...My daddy left me & my sisters everything-including a horse trailer with living quarters ...yanno what I was told tonight? YOU WILL NOT GET THAT TRAILER...oh and when I asked for one of daddys saddles...I was told...why so you can let it rott....I stand corrected I really thought if I wanted my daddys stuff I could get it....guess I can't...

Lord have mercy ....maybe my sisters will have better luck....so sad...boy was I delusional...