In The Raw

So some of you may have been privy to a meltdown I had Sunday evening. I'm sorry you had to witness that...yes it's my blog...yes I can write whatever I want....but truth is, I shouldn't have stooped to anyone's level.

That's not me, but when your hurt & feeling of loss is questioned, well, for me, my automatic reaction was to lash out....

I was wrong...how could I possibly expect someone that hasn't talked to me in months except to pick up my daddys motorcycle that I gave her to be anything other than, well,nice? To say I wasn't prepared for the wild banshee phone call that ensued on Sunday would be an understatement!You can text or call someone BUT if they don't respond after time and time again,what more can you do....

YES middle Sister, I know you have tried to contact me, you tried extra hard when you wanted my exhusbands phone number...REALLY! He is my ex for a reason. Do I really need to go into the fact that he hasn't paid child support in over 10 years nor has he helped his children with anything and yes I have kept a smile on my face and tried so hard NOT to say anything bad about him...I'm NOT saying I haven't had a slip here or there BUT if you two, my dear sweet sisters, in your perfect lives could for one second understand where I am coming from...just maybe you would remember I am remarried and my ex doesn't need to be a part of our lives. And YES I DO EXPECT FAMILY TO HONOR THAT!

I find it sad that no one could respect that and someone went calling 411 to find my ex's mom & dad just to get his number...Mom & Daddy Respected my wishes when it came to stuff like this...why OH why can't you? Do we really wanna sell daddy's horse trailer that bad?

I REALLY envy those of you that have close relationships with your siblings...I don't and that's no ones fault but our own...we didn't have a 'traditional' childhood. Don't get me wrong, we were loved and brought up together. But marriage children and not living close in proximity has prevented us from having that omgwearehavingacookoutandourwholefamilywillbehereeveryotherweekend scenario.

I blogged about my dads battle with cancer...many of you read those posts & kept up with his fight for life, many of you offered love,support,calls,emails,comments. I was so Blessed that I was able to help care for my daddy during those 2years-my children were Blessed that they got that time with their papa George...my sisters had jobs and understandably couldn't help on the level/scope I could and that was fine...I don't begrudge them thats on them and their conscience...BUT do NOT insinuate anything!

I lost my mom...suddenly...and I think what hurts the most is being told that your milking it...I am pretty sure NO ONE would argue with me in the fact that mama and I were super close and I am also pretty sure there is no time limit on grief...I won't even justify a why on this....other than pure stupidity.

Then when your told your Uncle & Cousins HATE you...well that's an eye opener because again they haven't talked to you errm me....I mean really...have you called me since mom died???? So why on earth would you hate me? Why would one of my sisters say that to me about you? Ok Ok Ok I havent been to see ena as much as YOU would like...I didnt go to one family reunion...but really have YOU talked to me?

Now let me address the fact that I supposedly said my Uncle stole from my daddy...  not true...while it was very hard to watch your uncles wife going through your daddys belongings like it was Armageddon...WHILE HE IS STILL LAYING DECEASED IN HIS BED before the 'car' came to get him....and you are standing in the dining room delirious ...sure it's a lil hard to take in-in the MOMENT & AFTER the fact....my uncle took my daddys saddles and saddle stands(that I bought)  and all kinds of other stuff like air pressure tanks yada yada yada BUT I am pretty sure IF I said HEY I want my dads saddles or his horses or or or he would say ok come get them! UNLESS you are in that moment you can not imagine what it's like! Let me address this for the last time...I did not think my Uncle stole from my daddy...and I do want one of his saddles....

My dear sweet cousins...I love you both...I am sorry you thought I didn't wanna be a part of the family...not true...I was just having an emotional moment and just when I thought I was coming out of the deep dark waters from daddys passing....my mom died....I want to again say for the last time I was so super close to my mom...I am LOST without her...she was my Best Friend...She was my mom...so please forgive me if I am having issues with walking into a nursing home where our grandmother will ultimately die...I am sorry I let you both down...

Lastly my sweet younger sister..and my sweet middle sister...I LOVE you both...I am so sorry you dont get me or understand me and the things I do....just know I love you...i so love you

My Confession for today: I don't expect you to understand...I just hope you won't judge...

addendum addendum...omgawd....I stand corrected I just talked to my Uncle Tommy and while he is not STEALING...he is ummm trying to profit from my daddys stuffs...My daddy left me & my sisters everything-including a horse trailer with living quarters ...yanno what I was told tonight? YOU WILL NOT GET THAT TRAILER...oh and when I asked for one of daddys saddles...I was told...why so you can let it rott....I stand corrected I really thought if I wanted my daddys stuff I could get it....guess I can't...

Lord have mercy ....maybe my sisters will have better luck....so sad...boy was I delusional...

I'm A HORRIBLE Person

Ima horrible person in more ways than one.... This past Christmas I participated in the SSS...I was late shipping my gift and I never blogged about the loverly and wonderful goodies I received! I'm a horrible SSS participant! My camera is broke & I must be last person on the planet who doesn't own a smartphone or even an ipod, so I couldn't take pix that way either! My SSS partner took great care in picking out the gifts she sent me...my favorite B&B works scent,a RAZOR(i'm easy to please),decadent chocolate covered pretzels a beautiful scarf/wrap. Thank You Chris!

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My sweet Abby is getting married this summer THEN moving to San Diego Ca! I can not fathom driving her and her new HUSBAND(did i just type that?) to SD and then turning around and leaving her!!!!!

He 'Joe' is in the US Navy & stationed at the Naval Base there and as customary when one weds another you move in together-start a life together.... justNOThalfwayacrossthecountry see imahorribleperson!

I REALLY want to NOT like this young man...but I can't-he is everything a mom could hope for her daughter. AND his family, oh the horrors!!! They set the example for this fine young man and well as much as I didn't wanna like them either...it's impossible-they are GREAT!

So this summer is gonna be a busy one for this OCD over-planner-who-cant-plan-a-freakin-thing-cuz! I meant that nicely...it's just you never know when your future SIL is gonna get leave and these youngins are, so, well, YOUNG...how will they make it on their own! Roots and Wings!

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Yesterday I had to pick Jess up from her friends house & I let my lil doggers ginger ride with me....when we returned home I may or may not have forgot she rode with me and left her in the car for an hour or so...see imahorribleperson...in my defense she left the comfort of my lap and climbed to the third row to scavenge for food particles

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Reese had a fever blister on his lip and I may OR may not have said put-a-band-aid-onit-cuz-I-aint-spendin-$18-on-abreva... imsonicelikethat!

My Confession for today: I MISS my Mom!

It's not You...It's Me...

where do I even begin...  
I could talk about my new years eve plans....that have come & gone....

I could talk about my daughters upcoming wedding....which is still pending....

I could talk about my youngest daughters love for friggin holiday cookies-yanno the ones...sugar cookies with the faces of whatever holiday!

I could talk about the fact Eric loves levi jeans... but levi jeans dont love him

I could talk about the fact that my son Reese is a handsome yougin & I wonder why he doesn't have a gf.....

But the truth is...I can't find find the funny in anything lately... And believe me, there's a whole lotta funny going on at my house....but...me finding it...not so much!

My emails are insane....seriously...someone wants me to promote their 'tushy' book yep I know right...then I get an email tellin me my site is so good for moms and kids and being barefoot(i'm not linking them cuz...well just cuz).....

At this point I stop and ponder....go ahead you can too....because it gets better...

My New years eve was...adventurous...


My daughters upcoming wedding is gonna be a sweet & simple cer-a-romie...she better tell everyone!

Ah the cookies....do we really gotta buy every single cookie that has a face on it ?

 Levi's...really! just sayin....

Bubs I refuse to believe the entire 11th grade isn't in love with you! And a few seniors too!

My confession for today: it's me...not you...

My Confession for today:

It's time to get back in the swing of things! Posting AND Visiting!

Dear Mom(11.3.11)

Ohhh mama, so much has happened I know I said that last post but I really mean it.... Joe proposed to Abby...he did it...he really did it!

I couldn't be there due to my horrid back issues but Joes mom made sure they got photos taken for the engagement photo...mom, it's an identical photo to mine & tommys....really!

Mama I need ya...just sayin....

Trina-Joes mom is wonderful...she is & you would love her...you would love her for the mere fact she loves Abby like a daughter...

I need you to commiserate with mama...who the hell am I gonna bitch to? Who's gonna listen to me while I am trying to plan a wedding ...

About Abby and her choices...you know she is easily influenced...she doesn't give me any credit....

wanna know who picked out her wedding dress? You know how beautiful dresses look in those plastic bags(bwhahaha)....Abs picked a few and I picked one....my one....is the one....it looks beautiful on her mama...beautiful! She loves it....

I picked a venue...it's lovely... she hates it....

Mama I need you

My confession for today: I miss my mama completely,honestly,wholly...

Yep thats my daughter....Gosh I love her!She is perfect...yes I am 'that' Mom! I love you Abs

Secret Santa Lives!

As many of you know last year was my grand finale for the SSS. However Coloradolady has graciously taken over the Secret Santa Soiree. Since some of you that have participated in the past may not be a follower of this fan-tab-u-lous lady...I thought I'd take a moment and let you know...it's not to late to join the SSS Just click the links back there...and go sign up...it's a lot of fun!

My confession for today: I really miss blogging!

Dear Mom(10.5.11)

Dear mama... So much has happened since my last post. Reese hates yung-ins,tomatoes and lasagna...ok so that's still the same...

Mom, Abby just got back from Chicago...Joe graduated basic...I let her go for 5 days with Joe's fam onafrigginroadtrip! They made t-shirts(i felt left out),they shopped,they ate at fancy restaurants. Joe showed them around base...they have a bx. He bought her an iphone...they have their own plan mom...it's serious! He will be stationed in San Diego...I gotta become a Charger fan! They ring shopped! OMG! She loves him...they are so young...Gosh mom I wish you were here!

Mom...Jess is a beautiful mess...she just turned 14 and she got her tregus pierced...okay well I am sure I spelled it wrong but it's a lil flappy ear part! Mom you know Jess...she is so her own person.. it's fair time as in Tulsa State Fair and she has been going and going...she likes a boy...which is different than a boy likes her! Mama I miss you...

Oh dear where do I start with Reese...he is such a good boy mom...is it wrong of me to say he is better than the girls? Okay boys are just easier... Him & His posse are, all 8 of them, going on a road trip to a SOONERS game-they(the boys) invited Eric...I hope he goes with them...it will give me some piece of mind. Mama he is so cute...I know you know this and he has a date tomorrow for the fair to see Mike Posner...

As for me mom...I'm lost...I am working but being taken advantage of...I wish you were here so I could have a sounding board and you could tell me how to handle this situation! Of course I can hear you now sayin..."Gina..." Mama I got strep...srsly & really at 40 I got strep throat! It was awful mom...I thought I had the flu...which I might as well have had...I got a shot in the assa...it was wonderful ...the shot not the strep...

I don't talk to Becky & Laura very much...same ol same ol mom-I think they communicate so you would be happy that 2out of 3 are...I do chat with Barry at least once a week...kinda like when I would call you and you wouldnt be home yet and he would answer...he's havin a rough time of it...but we are trying to help him mama...he will be moving soon, him and all the doggies...mr foxy,lizzie and bandit...I know they miss you too! Although I am not quiet sure anyone could possibly miss you more than me...dogs included...

It's Oct...Halloween will be coming up-Jess wants to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader for Halloween*sigh*...Abby will be 18 in a lil over a month-Joe will be home on leave from the Navy and he will propose to her*double sigh*,Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here before we know it!

Not quite sure what I will do without you for the holidays! Where has this year gone and why did you have to leave us? Nothing will ever be the same now that your gone mom...nothing...you were our glue...

My confession for today:I miss my mama...