He WISHES!image courtesy google images
That's the text I got at 6am yesterday morning and since I don't text I walked the 20 steps from one room to another to say 'HUH' cuz we are so Proper here in Oklahoma. In which I heard 'Mom I think I have poison ivy'
Let me re-tell you about Reese and Poison Ivy-the boy can smell it and get it, he can walk past it and get it, he can think about it and get it and it almost always warrents a trip to the Doc, for a shot...but it ain't(yes I said AIN't) contagious...
He doesn't elaborate so I toss him some resinol(it's the miracle cream) and a blow dryer(we've been here before) and tell him if the itching becomes unbareable go to the nurse and call me and I send him on his merry way...cuz I'ma a good mom...I gave him cream and a blow dryer...
Ring Ring Ring UGH Ring Ring Ring UGH!
Me: Housekeeping...
Caller: Silence...
Me: Uno Dos Tres'
Caller: MOMMMMM
Me:busted: yeah?
Caller: who will now be referred to as Reese: I'm at the nurses' office
Me: O-K-A-Y
Reese: She wants me to show her my R-A-Ssss-H
Me: So show her
Reese: MOM...it's below my belly button...
Me: *gulp* you didn't tell me this before...O-K-A-Y and...
Reese: It's down there with my junk
Me: What REAL men don't show their junk?
Reese: MOM!!!!
Me: O-K-A-Y I'm on my way....
So anytime you get a rash here you gotta get a doctors note saying you are NOT contagious before you come back to school...I wanna stop here for a dramatic pause...
imagecourtesygoogleimages
Reese: Mom, what's dad working?
Me: Nights, why?
Reese: I think I have the CRABS and I want dad to take me to the doctor
Me: THE CRABS? Do you even know what/how you get the crabs?
Reese: REAL men get the crabs Mom
Me: I thought it was poison ivy? IT WAS POISON IVY THIS MORNING...RIGHT?
Reese: It's the crabs MOM
Me: You don't want the shot do ya?
Reese: Jason says if you have the crabs you don't get a shot
Me: Who the helk is Jason?
Reese: Nevermind MOM-when is dad waking up?
Me: Soon...
Reese: M-O-M...DON'T BLOG about this
Me: Okay son....
Nothings sacred in this household-I had my fingers crossed...just sayin...
imagecourtesygoogleimages
I have obviously failed as a mom...just sayin...I guess that birds and bees talk didn't go so well-no where in my moms manual did it ever say I would have to explain the difference between poison ivy and THE crabs...nor did I ever think my son would think IT COOLer to have the crabs over poison ivy just to avoid a shot...
Since I don't measure up-
(I'm not bitter I only birthed you, breast feed you and changed your dirty diapers, went to every parent-teacher conference,dealt with pissed off parents when you made balloon animals out of condoms and proudly made halloween masks with a tampon stick-where I got a note from the teacher sayin...maybe you should check his back-pack before he leaves for school )
Nope I'm not bitter...Your dads with you at the after-hours clinic where you will see Dr. Mason and I am sure SHE will take good care of you and all your junk...
My Confession for today: Welcome to MY world...I didn't have brothers or grow up with boy cousins...REESE is a learning curve for me everysingledayandheisfourteen!
OH MY GOSH! You are so funny! I would totally have blogged about it too. What a great way to keep this memory alive.
ReplyDeleteIt would have been better if had poison ivy but I would have wondered how he got it.
ReplyDeleteI hope he can't read and doesn't find out about this! Hysterical! I remember when my son was about 7. He brought me into his room, closed the door (uh, oh) and sat me down on the bed. Then asked "just what is this thing called a period?" Good grief, he was 7!
ReplyDeleteLOL. Oh boy. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteOK, I can relate to the kiddo texting me when I am just in the next room.... but oh heck....I am so cracking up here.... I would have been SO SO mean. I would have handed him a razor and told him to shave down there and it would get rid of the crabs...
ReplyDeleteGeorgie! I almost pissed my pants reading this! I'm STILL laughing and can't stop!!!! THE crabs? How old is Reese? and what IS this rash on his penis? OMG, I'm dyin' here. Dyin'!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJustine :o )
I love it, love it, love it! I havent dealt with Poison ivy on "junk" but I have had to pull ticks off of "junk" on TWO sons (years apart). The fun NEVER ends. Good luck with Reese....I think he is going to keep you on your toes.
ReplyDeleteHoly SHIT, Georgie?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be so worried about where he got crabs, more like from WHOM?
I guess it's too late to ground him for life and put his junk in some type of chastity belt?
You crack me up, girl.
Oh NO!! You are too funny! Will you be posting a follow up? Because I kinda feel left hanging..
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a little bit of both...poison ivy for... well...messing around outside...and the crabs for the messing around part.....JOKING!!! If it is poison ivy....tell him it is still cool...he can stick with the messing around outside story....sounds cool...cooler...than just plain ole poison ivy..It is only beginning!!!! You will laugh about this later!
ReplyDeleteUm, uh oh. YIKES and Holy Cortisone Cream on Steroids!
ReplyDeleteO.M.G......Please can't my son just stay 7 forever!
ReplyDeleteI do not look forward to these days!
I love the DON'T BLOG ABOUT THIS PART!
Holy cow! A rash on his junk? Sure it wasn't jock itch?!
ReplyDeleteLOL.
I'm so not looking forward to 14 now.
Wow! Poor guy - and thank-you for today's dose of birth control - ha!
ReplyDeleteSo is this what I have to look forward to with having 3 boys?? I don't think my heart can take it!
ReplyDeleteYou're my kinda mama too....blogging about this specifically after he asked you not to. I mean, it's almost like a dare, kwim?
Hope his "junk" will be okay! Who even started calling it that? Where did that come from?
Ha! Crabs, poison ivy...same thing, right? :)
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious.
I am like you--grew up with sisters and now I have this teenager who constantly scratches and adjusts and can't necessarily aim in the toilet (it's a large white bowl for god's sake!!).
Hope his crabby ivy turns out okay.
Hehe, that had me rolling!
ReplyDeleteSo funny! I love your blog:-) Did he not realize that no matter how much he begged, this made for a perfect blog post??? Our poor kids...I hang our "junk" out there too:-)
ReplyDelete"Crabby Ivy" gets my vote! I love the way you answer the phone, too!
ReplyDeleteHoly cow that was hilarious!! :)Thanks for the laugh this morning...even if it was at Reese expense! LOL!
ReplyDeletecrabs huh?
ReplyDeleteand then i would have gone on down that road
how'd ya get 'em son?
LMAO Oh Georgie. I guess I should start googling this stuff to be prepared when my boy gets older. I'm innocent and know nothing of such things.
ReplyDeletehahahhahahahahahahahahaha i am laughing so hard i nearly wet myself! lol. Too funny. Glad mine have a few years before we get to that!
ReplyDeleteOMG! This is flipping HILARIOUS!!!! This is one of your "i did not" blogs, right!? I'm CRACKING up!!! I too, was not raised around boys and God has blessed me with 3 of them! Finding my Victoria Secrets books under the oldest one's bed KILLED ME!!! My little boys will NOT look at that crap!
ReplyDeleteGod, help us both!!!
OMGosh that's freakin hilarious! Poor kid! I dread that stuff, 2 boys and my hubby works nights, too. I have a feeling I'll be dealing with all sorts of fun!! Good luck! I'd love to hear the wording of the note he needs to get back to school ;)
ReplyDeletetoo funny. I can't believe he was saying he had the crabs. lol
ReplyDeletePoor dude!
ReplyDeleteAnd when did it go from "the family jewels" to "junk?"
The devaluing of boys these days has gone too far ;-)
that is soooooooooooooooooooooo F U N N Y !
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for him but that is HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteOMGoddess-- he totally deserves to be busted out!! Thanks for the story. I'm pretty sure I'm glad not to have kids now.....
ReplyDeleteSome of the funniest shit ever!!! 14 is a funny age for us guys! :))
ReplyDeletethat is some really funny stuff!! being a foster parent(with no kids of my own, but have helped raise many, but not to this age) with teenage girls, I am having to answer some ?'s I have never even thought of before....curve balls you say?? lots and lots of them!!
ReplyDeleteIf I see anyone with poison ivy I have to leave the building immediately. That's how bad i get it.
ReplyDeleteSecretia (Secret Story Time)
His way of phrasing everything is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThat's it. I'm chaining my children to the radiator til they are 30.
ReplyDeleteOk we don't own chains or a radiator... but if my 14 year old tells me she thinks she has crabs, I'm gonna FLIP OUT.
I might have to start pricing chains and radiators now... ;-)
Very nice blog! Stopping by from SITS. Blogging is great revenge, isn't it? ;)
ReplyDeleteI LAUGHED soooooo hard reading that! Good Luck! As a mother of all sons.... good luck good luck, you are going to need it! Funny stuff.... hey girl, how is your sweet daddy doing? How are YOU hanging on??? (yeah its me, just not all out on everyones blogs)
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO! My guy is 5 year old and I'm terrified and strangely exhilirated about what awaits!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to read you again!
OH MY GOODNESS. That was too funny. I'm really glad I had girls. Had a brother but, well, we didn't talk poison ivy that he got often....hmmm.
ReplyDeleteOoooohhhh nnnnnnooooo - I just can't even process that this sort of thing is happening to anyone under the age of 30. Much less someone that I gave birth to. Objectively speaking though, I love that you shared it. It was definitely worth a good laugh :) And what up with the hair dryer? Does that help somehow?
ReplyDeleteThat is wayyyyyyyy too funny!!! I hope you burn this to a cd and give it to him for his 21st birthday, hehe
ReplyDeleteOh, my goodness! What a story to hang over his head. :o)
ReplyDeleteROFL!!!! I love you Georgie! You crack me up!
ReplyDeleteI love that he said NOT to blog about it and you did! LOL!
That is HYSTERICAL!!! Crabs. Of all things.
ReplyDeleteHey - do you think my SSS partner would like a clown for Christmas? You know, thrown in with the real gift? Just askin'.
OMG I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THIS I CRIED!! HI-LAR-I-OUS!!! So was it THE crabs or poison ivy? Did he get THE crabs from Jason? If so, I think there is another discussion and great blog post in the works!!! J/K! HA!
ReplyDelete