Lets talk about Hemmoroids-PSA

WHY you ask? Because I think I got em and I am in pain and ummm I need someone to send me some tucks or something. Plus this can be a PSA for any other hemmoroids sufferers out there that may not know where to turn for help! soooo
Hi My names Georgie and I have a confession....
I did a lil google search cuz that's how I roll and this is what I found out:
First I learned I was spelling it wrong(Thanks google) it is hemorrhoids-soooo not making my bootielicious feel better now that I know the correct spelling- personaly I think they should be called "HORROR-OIDS"
The cause-The underlying cause of hemorrhoids is increased pressure within veins around the junk in YO trunk
There are two, count em TWO types-Internal and External-Great I prolly have BOTH types!
Symptoms-Okay way to graphic to post lets just say I am pretty sure I ONLY have External horror-oids-Like that makes it any freakin better!!!
Diagnosing-well the suggestion is that I visit my health care provider so they can ask me some general health questions that I obviously have NO problem letting the internet know that I may have horror-oids... but just can't bring myself to visit a Dr and discuss my bootielicious! THEN he(NOTE I said HE) will perform a *gasp* physical exam. Are you friggin kiddin me? Mr gp doesn't even get to examine that part of my anatomy now I gotta go let a stranger do it...geesh
Treatment-While hemorrhoids are a source of misery for a lot of people-NO SHIT SHERLOCK and for the record MISERY is NOT the word I would have chosen...they are not dangerous or life-threatening and will usually go away within a few days-OKAY phew then WHY do I need to go and bare my assa to a Dr that is a HE?
In most cases, hemorrhoid treatment is focused on: Relieving pressure by increasing fiber and fluids and modifying bowel movements-Okay I can do this...
OH wait...Eating the right amount of fiber and drinking six to eight glasses of fluid (NOT ALCOHOL) can result in softer, bulkier stools. I am speechless,no really I am and here I thought BL w/Lime was a GOOD food group! there goes my stock...
Good sources of fiber include:
Vegetables, such as carrots and green vegetables
Whole grains

In addition, doctors may suggest a bulk stool softener or a fiber supplement, such as psyllium (Metamucil®) or methylcellulose (Citrucel®).
GREAT I have become my Grandmother! I am thirty freakin seven, I am too young for horror-oids! Now when anyone comes to visit I won't care if the dogger had an accident on the floor but I will be damned if ANYONE will see Metamucil sittin on my kitchen table.

Modifying Bowel Habits as Part of Hemorrhoid Treatment
As part of hemorrhoid treatment, it is also important to set aside a certain time each day to have an unhurried bowel movement without vigorous wiping or rubbing. Patting, using a soft, moist pad (or even rinsing in the shower), can be used as an alternative to wiping.
HELLO....I have 3 beans everything in my life is hurried and let me just say that IF I could make my bowels move at a nice quiet,convenient time, then I would be a rich woman cuz I would patent that shit(pun intended) ALSO For the record, IF I could set aside aside a certain time each day it damn sure wouldn't be for takin a poo!
So there ya have it my peeps....my assa hurts and I chose to share it with the world
My confession for today:Guess I am off to check out Tucks & Metamucil stock...


  1. I am so sorry for your pain, but this is one hilarious confession.

    And to think I just found your blog the other day. now I feel like we have known each other fooooor-ever!

    Hope everything comes out okay. hehehe.

    * I'm having a CONTEST! Have you entered yet? *

  2. Don't forget the Dermaplast...hmmm numbness bliss.

  3. wow, that is quite an admission, I'm impressed! I have an award for you at my place.

  4. I am so glad that I could make you forget about this for even a moment! It sounds terribly painful. They are also caused by pregnancy and pushing, you know, so you can totally blame your kiddos for this (and many other) discomforts.

  5. A friend of mine was convinced she had a tumor. Took the day off work, got an emergency visit with the doctor and was told, yes, you guessed it, she had a hemorrhoid. She was so embarrassed, but also a bit relieved. At least you didn't do that, right?

    Hope your ass feels better soon.

  6. This is my first visit to your blog. I have had several external little pain in the asses. But I could never have made a post like this. You made a bad thing very funny! Good luck and if it helps any they did just go away on their own in a couple of weeks.

  7. Girl... You trip me out!! I'm sorry for the ass pains and how you've found some relief by now... What a hilarious way to start my day though... You are so funny and BRAVE!!

  8. Sorry... HOPE you've found some relief by now... Haven't finished my first morning up yet and I'm too much of a grammer geek to let that fly... :)

  9. georgie, just remember... Preparation H. Works everytime. You are such a hoot, girl. You can make even the grossest subjects funnier than hell. I hope your pain passes soon.

  10. First, love the "Just You and I" music to go with this post. Secondly, i once had one so painful and huge i showed my husband. he was like "Thanks. Now i don't want to have sex for a month."

  11. Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I had them once and they were miserable.

    Funny story...My old boyfriend in high school told me that I gave him hemorrhoids from stressing him out so much. Is that even possible?

  12. I would shit if I got a Hemorrhoid, and I am not even kidding. LOL.

  13. I had hemmorhoids after having each of my kids. If you had yours vaginal I am sure you remember those icepacks for your undies. Yea, I LOVED those!! Hit the store, get some colace, eat alot of salad and shove some ice in your pants and you will be good. HM, do I get to charge you a consultation fee?? LOL!!

  14. OMGosh I have so enjoyed reading these comments and THANKS for comiserating with me-

    You know that Hanes no ride up,wedgie free panty commercial when i first saw it I thought it was surely for a preperation H commercial-cuz thats what i look like....uugghhh

    I have been with daddy today at the Med oncologist and I am wiped out-I HOPE to have a blog up later for your reading pleasure

    Thanks again-I have No shame

  15. Wow!! Are they gone yet? Talking about "a pain in the ass" -this must have really been one. Hope you can get rid of them soon.

  16. Um I don't know why I'm sharing this but I am. I had a fissure which is a tear up in there somewhere. And that was the most painful thing imaginable. And yes I had to take Metamucil like an old lady. And yes I had to get "examined" by not 1 but 2 dr.s. And it is worse that the gyno. I now take alot of vitamin c to "help" the process daily. Any poo questions just ask me. LOL

  17. Oh how I feel your pain...got my first one just recently...and I too am my grandmother at 38. Someone please kill me. You are so brave for writing this! I love it! :)

  18. Very amusing post that may make more people aware of an extremely painful ailment.