I'm not here

 photo courtesy google images

I am HERE today...Please stop by as I share my story of loss...there is so much more I could share...like how my daddys passing has affected or is it effected my relationship with my grandmother,my uncle and my cousins...but I imagine that's a whole 'nother post...baby steps...

My confession for today: Please let me know if you click through and read my story...

Grief Support

They say laughter is the best medicine, but lately I am having a hard time finding my funny bone, with the exception of the other day I was coming out of the bathroom and Abs was coming in and the door collided with my knee, that made me laugh and cry and wince and say farfunuken a whole bunch of times.

Hospice has been sending me grief support brochures,letters,little booklets and I have been devouring them like the pioneer woman's Olive cheese bread.

Don't get me wrong...I am not walking around like a zombie, I'm not sobbing all the time, It's not like I can't function...it's more like a piece of me is missing and I feel empty sometimes.

I will walk past the fridge where Jess has taken it upon herself to be in charge of all 'papa George photos' and every few weeks a new one pops up and I stop and think back to when it was taken, what we were doing...you can see the happiness in their eyes, all 3 of my children sitting on daddys lap-YOU were never to big or old to sit on Papa G's lap, I can almost hear his voice...

Then a tear will fall and I rub the photo and say I Love You Daddy...

I have a point here...amidst all the info from hospice I found they offer grief support groups and even though I may feel like I am 'keeping it all together' I find that I have a need to discuss some things and don't want to be a Debbie Downer to my friends nor do I want to bother my sisters when they themselves are still grieving-

So I attended a group meeting where I could share my frustrations,my loss, why I feel the way I do, Why I think the way I do...I was surrounded by others in various stages of loss, I was welcomed with open arms and no one judged me, if I said something that came out wrong or made no sense no one accused me of anything and the best part...I didn't hurt any ones feelings...something that I have done lately, not intentionally of course...

They let me talk, they listened, they nodded in understanding, they told me the way I was feeling was completely normal, some had been through similar situations. It was nice,it was healing, it helped...

It's a 6 week class where you meet once a week...it's a commitment I intend to keep....

My confession for today: Confession is good for the soul...

Daddy...I Remember...

As Most of you know my daddy passed away Saturday April 24th...If I told you that just because we knew this day was coming makes/made it any easier I would be lying...fact of the matter is, we thought we had more time...Isn't that always the case?

As I sit here trying to process the past 7 days...I realize...I can't...I was in a daze, my mind in disbelief-clouded in fog and my heart broken...there are images I am fighting hard to remove from my memory, I have guilt that I wasn't there sooner...did I do enough...did he know how very much he was loved...did he know how much I loved him...

I thought I understood loss,pain and hurt when my Grandpa passed away 8 years ago...I didn't...

I called my daddy at 9:10am to let him know I was on my way down, he didn't sound good but mornings were always rough for him...I detected an urgency in his voice that will haunt me for the rest of my life...I called my Uncle Tommy and asked him to go take daddy some breakfast and check on him and that I would be right behind him...

By 10:30am Daddy was in Heaven wrapped in the Lords Wings basking in his Glory...

This is where I say It isn't fair and I want him back...my heart aches,my eyes red and swollen...Loss leaves you feeling empty...so empty...

__________________________________

A few weeks ago I asked daddy to make a message for his answering machine-he had the standard preset message playing. He bulked at first but when I said 'daddy maybe when you are in town and can't get to the phone maybe I wanna hear your voice' We made a GREAT message and I had no idea how many times I would be calling his house the past 7 days just to hear his voice...one more time...

Over the past 2 years I have shared my daddy with you all through this blog...so if you don't mind I would like to share a little bit more...

My parents divorced when I was around 8 years old but these are some of the memories I hold dear...

I remember him carrying me a mile and a half to our closest neighbors house 'The Blues' to wait for the school bus because we lived so far back in the woods that his truck wouldn't make it down the road when the weather was bad.

I remember one Christmas Eve hearing santas sleigh bells and a Hearty Ho Ho Ho and running down the stairs to see a tree full of presents

I remember him taking us to see Star Wars and The Color Purple in Muskogee

I remember riding on his horse Goldie where he packed us a lunch in his saddle bag and shared an afternoon together just me and him

I remember Rhinestone Cowboy playing on a little radio while he put horseshoes on his horse in the front yard

I remember eating dog food while he worked in the horse barn outside our modest house on the farm

I remember falling off the bunk bed and cracking open my eyebrow and he took care of me

I remember that we didn't have a phone but rather a CB and I would say 'breaker breaker 1-9...flintrock you out there?'

I remember he bought me a total of 4 cars...a mustang that was a lemon, broke down on the turnpike the day he bought it, then a pea green 3 speed duster that I shared with my sister, then a big 4 door white impala and last a red camaro

I remember how much he loved us and that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for us...

I remember that everyone knew my dad and if they didn't it wasn't long before they did

I don't remember my dad ever spanking me and I don't remember him ever raising his voice in anger I do remember the kindest soul anyone could ever hope to meet...

As I was older...I remember my Wedding Day where daddy walked me down the grass isle while family and friends sat on bales of hay...

I remember daddy being at the hospital for all 3 of my childrens births

I remember daddy never judged another human being a day in his life

I remember our trip to Schulenberg Texas last Summer...oh how I remember that I wouldn't let you change a flat tire-that I made you wait for AAA...it was because I loved you daddy...not because I didn't think you could do it...it was dark on a busy highway...I worry to much...

I remember a fair and honest man

I remember the Greatest Man in my life and he will not be forgotten...

Daddy I LOVE and MISS you dearly...

__________________________________

♥George Wayne Shirley, 63, passed from this life, Saturday, April 24, 2010.
During his declining health he never complained and he held on to Gods
promises. George was born October 6, 1946 to W. J. and Elvira Annie (Kunz)
Shirley in Muskogee. He grew up on the family farm and was a graduate of
Okay High School, class of 1964.

He served his country in the signal core of the United States Army for 2
years, with a tour duty in Europe. Once home he dedicated 44 years of his
life to Container Corp where he had life long friends.

George was an avid horseman, from an early age and that passion carried
into adulthood where he spent many hours being a scout for the Okie-Arkie
trail-riders and cutting trails. He never felt more at peace than when he
was riding his loyal companion, his horse Kracker whether it was in the
mountains or the pasture.

George was a devoted father, son, brother, grandfather and he will be continually missed.

He was preceded in death by his father. He leaves behind to cherish his
memory, three loving daughters and their husbands, Georgina & Eric Johnson
of Broken Arrow, Rebecca & Chad Graham of Bentonville, AR, Laura & Will
Fairchild of Checotah; eight precious grandchildren, Abby & Reese Lawley,
Jessica Johnson, Hayden & Colin Graham, Casey, Trey & Shelby Fairchild;
his mother; brother & sister-in-law, Tommy & Marilyn Shirley; two nieces,
Michelle & Renee Shirley and a host of other family and friends♥

My confession for today: Time may heal all wounds BUT it is God who gives you peace and comfort while you are waiting to heal...and today I need to be carried...

Life... it's just a rough draft...

*disclaimer* this post is all over the place-meaning I'm a nervous wreck-read at your own risk*

I really dislike doom and gloom but sometimes life deals you your hand and you have to make the most of it. I like to think of myself as a strong person, a realist even, a never let 'em see you sweat kinda gal... even though 'secretly' I am the biggest freaker-outer you will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

Through everything we have been told over the past two weeks, I kept my sweaty pits and nerves at bay while secretly at night I would cry into my pillow-it's not that I don't wanna show emotion...believe me I can get 'fired up' real quick but rather I have been trying to be strong...strong for my sisters,strong for my children...just strong. Strong is over-rated ya'll...

I call my daddy 2 or 3 times a day to remind him how great I think he is-to tell him I love him how very much I Love Him,we spent Easter with him, our entire family...it was fun...it was what we all needed. BUT we need more...more time,more days like Sunday,more memories....more more more...it's not fair...he's only 63...we all live on borrowed time I guess...

I got sick on Easter-I thought it was nerves then Abby got sick as well, then Tuesday Reese starts feeling bad...we can't be around daddy IF we are sick. So I have not been able to go down and stay with him...he is pretty much home-bound he will get out and ride his 4-wheeler to get his mail(which he probably shouldn't be doing-BUT are you gonna tell him no? me either!) He doesn't drive now,which means someone has to take him food and or come get him and take him to town...us country folk say 'goin to town' I may live in the city but I will always be a country girl at heart....it will always be...goin to town...

To say I am scared is an understatement...to say I am disappointed that I haven't been able to stay with daddy is also an understatement...so last night when I called him, he asked me to contact MD Anderson in Houston for a second opinion, I knew I could tackle that...Daddy is a fighter...so now we wait for MDA to get all his medical records and see if they think they can help him...I hate waiting...but I did what I could...

I know how bad things are, but I have to keep the hope alive and have faith, in the meantime the realist in me comes out and knows there are things we must face and deal with...like funeral arrangements,music for the celebration of ones life and I wrote my first obit last week...yes full of my bad grammar & poor punctuation skills-that I was once mocked for and I left important things out-the paper is covered in doodled ♥hearts♥...but it is just a rough draft...isn't that what we all are...a rough draft...of something bigger and better to come? I must have faith that it is...

Can I ask a favor? Please keep my dad in your thoughts and Prayers...please...I don't like all this sadness I have been posting, I am trying to re-find my happy,my weird sense of humor,my posts about my lively,crazy but lovable childrens, Lord Knows I'm trying...

My confession for today: I can Only Imagine... by Mercy Me

Time...

Is it harder knowing that your days are numbered vs a sudden death? I mean when you know that you just have a few months left it gives you time... time to say what you might not have gotten the chance to, time to say I Love You a million times, time to hug, time to celebrate memories and time to create new ones...knowing gives you time to process and grieve slowly...time to find Salvation...

Time is a funny thing, sometimes it is easily wasted as it drags on and other times it flies by.

As I have tried to process the past 5 days time has given me so many emotions, like a roller coaster with it's ups and downs,highs and lows, Hope depleted but replaced with Faith...

I have debated writing about this but if I don't get it out I feel like I am going to explode...

A lot of you have followed my daddy and his story through this blog, then there came a time when I couldn't blog about him and what was going on with the cancer, it was to hard to face, the knowing what was coming and now that daddy is facing the end of his life it doesn't make it any easier to blog about BUT I have this sudden urge to tell you about the Greatest man in my life...

Like if I document it, it will make it go away, time will stop,stand still...I know that time does not work that way...

My daddy is one of a kind, he makes an impact on everyone he meets, daddy doesn't know a stranger...anyone that has ever had the pleasure of meeting him is a better person because of it...

My daddy is George Shirley, I am named after him, I am so PROUD of that fact...
My daddy is a fighter...
My daddy is kind...
My daddy is fair...
My daddy would do anything for you...

I LOVE MY DADDY!

Daddy gets to go home from the hospital today, hospice is being called in and in the coming weeks our entire family will be there rallying around him...reminding him how much we love him and that he is the Greatest Man in our lives

So I am going to take some time off...I'd like to take this time and ask for your Prayers

I want to leave you with a song that daddy requested every Sunday in church when he was a child...

Church in the Wildwood

There's a church in the valley by the wildwood
No lovelier place in the dale
No spot is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale

Chorus:
Oh, come to the church by the wildwood
Come to the church in the dale
No place is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale

Additional Verses:
How sweet on a clear Sabbath morning
To list to the clear ringing bell
It's tones so sweetly are calling
Oh, come to the church in the vale

There, close by the church in the valley
Lies one that I love so well
She sleeps, sweetly sleeps, neath the willow
Disturb not her rest in the vale

There, close by the side of that loved one
Neath the tree where the wild flowers bloom
When the farewell hymn shall be chanted
I shall rest by her side in the tomb


My confession for today: Time is not always on your side...so make the most of it everyday...

7 days and 2 hospitals later

First I need to say THANK YOU for all the emails from you checking on daddy. Your Prayers, words of wisdom and kindness brought tears to my eyes...

Second I no longer know what my husband looks like OR my childrens names, I don't know if I am coming or going. I even left one morning with the childrens books and school work in my car, Thankfully they have wonderful school counselors that notified their teachers of their moms basket-case-ed-ness. Sleep has been a luxury that doesn't exisit in my world...

Third on Monday daddy was taken to the Muskogee Regional with chest pains, heart attack ruled out, blood clot ruled out. He seemed to be getting worse by the minute then he would perk up then he would be down again. My youngest sis laura was there on Monday then again with me on Tuesday-we weren't liking what we were seeing OR the answers we were given, I did stop and ask myself, self are you being to picky? Too emotionally invested to see the staff is doing their best?

I noticed immediately on Tuesday that the level of care just wasn't there, when someone lays in their poopie sheets for over 6 hrs after asking and asking for a nurse tech to assist him you start to question if this is best place for your dad. His white blood count was 300 and he was running a fever and it took them 2 days to administer IV antibiotics-geesh I am not a nurse but even I know basic chemo treatment measures 101, Or when daddy begged for an enima and the ER staff asked my sister if she would do it...he was basically a body instead of a patient. They have a Rapid Assesment Team in place if the patient or family members feel the patient isn't getting adequate care, I found what the intials stand for highly offensive RAT, that is what you are if you feel like your daddy isn't getting proper care and you go above the nursing staff and doctor, in 5 days he was given one bag of IV fluids and it was very aparent he was dehydrated, he layed in wet bedding for hours...ARRRGGGGGG I get mad all over again typing it out...

I won't bitch harp to much on how bad it was just know IT WAS BAD and I could continue to list things that hapened OR didn't happen until 2012. On the drive home I had another convo with myself, self did you see what I saw? I just don't feel comfortable with him at that hospital, something isn't right, they aren't equiped to deal with a cancer patient, how much of his symptons are related to his cancer, OMGosh is his cancer growing? YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO PICKY-get him moved, get him out of that hospital Out of everyone in the world my 'self' gets me the most...

Forth on Thursday my sister Rebecca agreed with me that he needed to be moved to Tulsa so he could be closer to his oncologist, She lives in AR so Thursday was her first visit to see daddy. I arrived early Friday morning so I could let daddy know that his daughters were pulling rank, his cancer was growing, one of his tumors is up to 12 cm appx 6inches and we just couldn't stand by any longer and let him rot in MRMC. Thankfully he agreed...

Fifth he got to ride in an ambulance with 2 beautiful women(Oh sheet wheres the men is what he was thinking) (drivers-his words)EMTs on a hydraulic (buggy-his words) stretcher...fun times fun times

Sixth St Francis Hospital and the staff have been a breath of fresh air and I mean that literally(if you could have smelled MRMC you would know what I mean). His nurses are fantastic, attentive, kind, fast, caring. His Doc immediately sent him to Xray got him hooked up with proper meds and now daddy is playing catch up from the hell he went through at MRMC. He has a tube down his nose,throat and into his tummy to get the stomach acid that was making him vomit and air out of his distended belly and he is finally getting some color back in his cheeks. He has been pretty much sedated mainly due to the the meds they gave him prior to the tubing. We are staying positive and I can tell you Friday night was the first night I had slept because I knew he was finally getting the care he needed and deserved....at a place where the patient and his family does have a voice

Seventh I am taking the afternoon shift at the hospital, both my sisters will be there this morning and we need to break down our visits since everyone will be going home later today and now that he is about 15 mins from my home I will take over staying with him until he is released. My sis, Becks just called and said he looks good-color has returned to his cheeks and he no longer looks grey/greenish,his belly looks better-he looked like he was 9months preggers with sextuplets, his white count is normal now so he is off antibiotics, he has been bathed, the doc has been by and he said they are going to try and clamp his tube and take off the suction to see if he is still sick feeling, if he does well they will try and remove the tube later today or in the morning, his friends just stopped in to visit him and he got a big smile on his face...a BIG sigh of relief...

I won't be posting many daddy updates after this, things are so uncertain now that we know the cancer is growing-I have shared his story with you all starting from last year when it all began-you helped me through some really hard and rough times, it's just so hard now to type the things that will surely come, to fast and to soon but I want you to know If you have questions or just want a 'daddy update' feel free to email me-my email link is up there on my sidebar, I don't mind sharing, just not as publicly anymore, I hope you understand...

My confession for today: In the end, family is what matters...

Makin Memories

Since I am gearing up for my 'Moxie Mom-Mona'(Tues) AND the official 411 for the SSS(Wed) posts, today I will share my weekend through a bunch of photos.

We spent Sunday at daddys, helping him gear up for winter by cutting firewood...both my sisters and their families were there, we roasted weiners, rode 4 wheelers and cycles,cleaned,visited and enjoyed a BEAUTIFUL Sunday together...

It is important to me that my children have fond memories of their Grandparents and spending time with cousins, Aunts, Uncles and I think we made some great memories this weekend...

This is how we roll...I made her wig slide off...not because I was going fast but because I jerk as I drive-just can't get use to the finger throttle

This is how we eat...

Eric dropped his sunglasses in the fire

We roll some more...Reese and my Nephew Hayden

My bil Chad and Reese...

See how their hair is blowin back? They kept me in a constant state of panic/anxiety...you're going to fast, slow down, hey do you hear me?

This is how we relax...

My sis taking a pic of me taking a pic of her

Yanno that commercial with the family of 4 going on the tropical vacation and the daughter never smiles or looks happy and the minute she smiles on the jet ski, she gives you back the grumpy look because How.Dare.You.Catch.Me.Having.Fun...well I own one of those...

I said we cut wood, here's the proof...see all the dirt on his belly and the closed eyes...

My 2 favorite pics of the day...

My confession for today: If it feels like a Monday...It's probably Monday...

P.S. Thanks to Accent Furniture I will be doing a review and hosting a giveaway-stay tuned for more details-you will not want to miss this one

The Ugly Truth

Simply put cancer sucks...

We knew when daddy had the tumor removed from his leg last year, there was a chance it could spread and if it did, it would most likely be to his lungs. Those of you that have been around for awhile know that daddy went through chemo treatments and lived with us for a while(you can click on my labels for daddy or papa george if you want to read the history) and when he couldn't stand another treatment he called it quits and moved on to radiation treaments.

A few weeks ago he had some tests done, then a biopsy and his type of cancer a fast growing sarcoma had indeed reared it's ugly head...again, this time, in both of his lungs...

He had an appointment with his cancer care doctor last week, options were discussed, questions were asked, best and worst case scenarios were given. When it was all said and done daddys last question no wait statement was 'If I start this chemo again ya'll are going to have to work around my trail riding- I NEED this week off RIGHT here' I think that says a lot, a man faced with what he was told pretty much says I AM GONNA LIVE MY LIFE his way, his terms...

Today daddy re-started chemo treatments, I agreed to meet him there after I got all the childrens off to school, as I'm driving I am thinking over all the dr had told us last week, things like, it's fast growing, both lungs, best case 5 yrs worst case less than a year, it will proably come back, surgery is a last resort-it's hard on you and would require 2 surgeries, a few people have beat this, MD Anderson reccomends these drugs, it won't be as hard on you this time and then I started to cry...

I am not a big crier, I protect my heart with a wall, I stand firm, I'm a control freak, I have even been called intimidating,vulnerable ME? NEVER, no one OR nothing is gonna break me...well that was until this morning...

When I realized this time is different, daddy won't be going to a hospital to have the cancer removed like last time, this time they are treating the beast growing in his lungs the best way they know, it's a waiting game and we won't know if the treatments are working until late Oct/first of Nov when they do another CT.

A thought entered my mind as I was driving actually more of a mental picture and it was of daddy standing at the scheduling desk saying 'Now I need these dates right here off from treatments for horse rides, hey do you ride' then I laughed and then I realized I had driven 10 miles past his Dr office.

His treatment went well, it was short and it is different this time, 1 day a week for 2 weeks off a week then repeat for 6 cycles-which is why chemo should be easier on his body this go around.

Before we left daddy had to stop by the scheduling desk to make his next appointment and this is what I heard...

'Now I need these dates right here off from treatments for horse rides, hey do you ride' That, my friends, is GOD....

My confession for today: His way His terms...ride daddy ride...